Decoding Your Child's SOS - by Dr. Laura Markham

This email came through my inbox with some really good information. It's by Dr. Laura Markham and can be found online here: Decoding Your Child's SOS

Decoding Your Child's SOS

"All communication is either an SOS or a care package." -- Kelly Bryson
You’ve probably heard the term “Acting out’ refer to misbehaving. It actually means to act out a feeling that you can't express in words.

So when your three year old hits the baby, or your five year old throws a toy at you, or your seven year old slams the door, they’re acting out. You could respond with punishment. After all, the behavior is clearly unacceptable. But you would be missing the feeling that your child is finding so unbearable that he has to act it out. You would be missing your child’s SOS.

Should you overlook the “bad” behavior? Of course not. Move in to keep everyone safe. (In a perfect world, of course, you would do this BEFORE the SOS behavior. But families are made of humans, who by definition aren't perfect. That's ok; Love serves us better than Perfect every time.)

As you set the limit--calmly and kindly--remind yourself that there’s a reason for your child’s behavior. It may not be what you consider a good reason, but it’s her reason. And if you don’t address the need or feeling that’s motivating her behavior, you're not giving her the help she needs to behave.

Want some examples of decoding an SOS?

• Children who are always cranky and uncooperative usually need more sleep, more connection, a physical ailment addressed, or a safe opportunity to cry in a parent’s arms.
• Children who compete with siblings often need to feel more connected to parents, more "seen" and valued for who they are.
• Children who keep pushing the limits usually need to know the parent is in charge and will keep them (and everyone else) safe. (You show them this by setting limits clearly, firmly and with empathy.)
• Children who "don't listen" have usually been trained not to take us seriously unless we yell; they're asking us to calm down and connect.
• Children who are always rebelling usually need to feel more powerful, competent, and respected.
• Children who disrespect us are showing that they don't feel enough connection, warmth and respect from us.
• Children who lie to us feel afraid.

What behavior bothers you most from your own child? That behavior is an SOS. Here are 7 questions to help you decode and respond.

1. What is the behavior that bothers you?

2. What’s the first thing that pops into your head about what’s behind this SOS from your child? (What need or feeling might your child be acting out? Connection? Autonomy? Sleep?)

3. What actions could you take to answer your child’s SOS? Make a list.

4. Notice how your own fear gets in the way of meeting your child's needs. (For instance, if he's suddenly talking baby talk, do you feel a need to correct him, or can you respond to his temporary need to be babied?) Breathe into that fear and let it go. Once we meet our kids' needs, our child can move on. When we deny needs, the child stays stuck.

5. Make a plan to take at least one of those actions every day for a week. (It might be the same action over and over.)

6. Notice your child's behavior change. What have you learned about his or her needs?

7. What will you do differently in the future?

Five Minute Friday - Joy

YAY! It's Friday! These are the days that I link up with Lisa Jo Baker on her Five Minute Friday writing challenge. 

Today's word is Joy. Here goes:

Joy. I can think of all of the standard cliches when it comes to Joy. Some of them are true: Jesus Others You (JOY) is the way to find Joy in your life. Joy is an inner state, happiness is circumstantial. 

Here's where I find Joy. My daughter, who is growing up into the most amazing little girl. Am I allowed to still call her that? She's not still 'little,' yet she's so far from being grown up. She has such a love for others. We were at church last Sunday, and the worship was geared towards children's church camp. They gave an overview and showed pictures of past years. This little girl of mine, who is generally so timid and shy, looked at me with a sparkle in her eye, and a joyful expression on her face and said, "Momma, I want to go!" She's never stayed with anyone but family for 3 nights...but she wrote in her journal that night that she so desperately wants to go. She wrote that 'it seems like kids really meet Jesus there (well, not face-to-face), but they get to know Him better and I want to get to know Him better.' WOW! This Momma heart was just. about. to. burst. when she allowed me to read her vulnerable words.

My son, who is turning into a young man right before my eyes. When he got home from school yesterday, he mentioned that he had hurt someone's feelings in school. So, I gave it the attention it needed. We discussed it, then I thought we were done. Later, when he came out of the bathroom after his bath and was in his pj's and was at his most open, he was crying. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, 'Momma, I really hurt some people's feelings today.' Then he continued to cry. I held him, I prayed over him, we talked about it, and I consoled his little boy broken heart. I told him that God is so proud of him right now for understanding and realizing that he may have hurt someone. I told him that Jesus and the Holy Spirit are for sure living in his little boy heart, for him to be feeling this way. Again, a bursting Momma heart.

These examples are only two of the many that I could share with you. I have so many words I could share about my children. I have so many emotions that pulse through me on a daily basis. I know my kids are far from perfect; I've witnessed it. But this Momma is surely joy-filled when events such as these occur under my watch. I'm doing something right...maybe not too many things, but I am pointing them to the one true source of Joy in this world: Jesus. And if that's the only thing they learn from me, well, then I have equipped them the best I know how. 

Have a fabulous Friday! Spring is upon us. 

Tony Evans - The Saga of Single Parenting

Today in my Facebook news feed, I came across a blog post by Tony Evans. He titled it, "The Saga of Single Parenting."

There was one thing that stood out and gave me hope.

     In the post, Tony says: "The greatest thing you can do is have a passion for God, because single mother, when you have a passion for God youhave Someone who will be a Father to your child and a Husband and protector to you."

That gives me hope because if I only have a passion for God, then He will meet my every need in Christ. 

Here's the link to his full post. It's definitely worth the read. 
     http://tonyevans.org/2014/03/the-saga-of-single-parenting/

Have a blessed night, dear readers. 

God's Plan vs. The Enemy's Plan

Imagination vs. Knowledge

Fatherlessness - An Epidemic

An article came through my email and I wanted to share it with my readers. The link is below.

What struck me were these thoughts:

     "The assumption that the father is of little use in the home and lives of children is costly. This mindset is especially unfortunate because the church has adopted it, at the very least, in practice, even in Reformed circles. We reveal this when we show little care for those without fathers. If we can agree that the fatherless should be considered orphans, and even the children with absentee dads, does the church have a responsibility?"

     "If the church wants to bring up young male and female leaders in their congregations and effectively evangelize their city, they must address the issue of fatherlessness"

      "It takes men and families building relationships with kids and young adults intentionally looking for spiritual sons and daughters to adopt “unofficially.” To our surprise, I think we’d find most kids and young adults with absent fathers would be open to older godly men acting as a spiritual father in their lives. These relationships need to be developed patiently, with the local church encouraging and supporting this initiative in the context of discipleship."

The entire article is worth the read. Because I grew up without my father as a constant presence, I know what a difference a dad makes! Fortunately, he and I have established a relationship in my adult years. However, I know that I would have made some very different choices if I had someone in my youth, who was instructing me on how to value myself. It has made me stronger, for sure, but, it's not anything I want my daughter to go through, if avoidable.

Fortunately, I'm not naive to the difference a Godly man makes in the life of children and have made every real effort to find a 'substitute' father, or someone to fill in the gaps in their lives. (Notice I said Godly. I could find and use just any Joe Schmo to spend time with my kids, but the real value and reward comes in finding someone who fears God.)

Unfortunately, I had to look outside of my church home. Not due to lack of effort on my part. The real treasure in this is that I know who has stepped up to "unofficially" adopt my children. They are the true heroes here.

As a side note, my father has become a devoted believer, so, if it took my childhood experiences to produce the grandpa that my kids have, well, then so be it. It was worth every tear shed.

As promised, here is the link: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/finding-the-fatherless-a-call-to-fill-the-gap

Have a wonderfully blessed Wednesday!

'Singled' Out

Lately, I've felt 'singled' out. Truly, as though because I'm a single mother, I'm a single woman, that somehow, I'm not worthy. I've felt that I don't have as much to contribute to any cause; that I don't matter as much...in the eyes of the world.

I'm not part of a couple. I can't go on double-dates with other couples. I don't have a 'better half' to fix things around my house or to send on errands when I just don't feel like going to the grocery store. I don't have someone else that can entertain the kids while I take 10 minutes to myself.

I know that in the eyes of the world, I may not be 'complete.' But the truth is that in God's eyes and in His viewpoint, I matter just as much as everyone else, if not more...simply because I'm doing it all by myself.

I've been reading through my bible and I'm on course to finish it in a year. I just completed the book of Joshua this morning. I noticed something as I was reading this book. This book is powerful stuff! In the book, Joshua and his armies battle neighboring lands in order to receive the Promised Land that The Lord is to deliver to them. Therefore, it's only natural that you would find uplifting and encouraging words. There are 24 chapters and 658 verses in this book.

Of these 658 verses, there is some repetition. Where there is repetition, you know God is trying to get a message across to His people.

In the book of Joshua, you find the phrase, "Be strong and courageous" or some variation of, six times! It's in the following passages: 1:6, 1:7, 1:9, 1:18, 10:25, 23:6.

In the book of Joshua, you find the phrase, "Do not be afraid" or some variation of, five times! It's in the following passages: 1:9, 8:1, 10:8, 10:25, 11:6.

In the book of Joshua, you find the phrase, "Do not be discouraged" or some variation of, three times. It's in the following passages: 1:9, 8:1, 10:25.

Now, I don't know about you, but it seems that God is trying to get a message across to Joshua (and you and me!). All of these phrases and the many times they are repeated, indicate to me, that I should be strong and courageous and that I should not be afraid or discouraged in my 'single-ness.'

I shouldn't be discouraged that I am 'singled' out, because it means that My God has taken notice of me! I shouldn't be afraid that I've been set apart; after all, aren't we told that to be 'holy' means to be set apart? And being 'singled' out is to be set apart.

YES! I think that I will begin to rejoice in being 'singled' out! I will begin to shout for JOY when I remember that My God has thought enough of me to 'single' me out; to set me apart, to consecrate me for His use and His purposes...to make me holy for His glory. 

Five Minute Friday - Crowd

TGIF! I'm excited to be here with you again on a Friday; writing the Five Minute Friday Challenge by Lisa Jo Baker.

This week the prompt is 'crowd.'

To my Emma: my one prayer is that you be strong enough to stand up to the crowd. That you are able to pave your own way and know in your core what's right and wrong. I just read this morning of a 16 year old that ended up so close to death because she decided to raid her father's liquor cabinet with her cousin. She had 2 beers and 6 shots...her blood alcohol level was high enough to kill a grown man. I pray you will know and understand that at 16, you have no business messing around with things which can impair you in this manner. She followed the crowd.

I also read of a young girl who decided she didn't want to follow the crowd. She had taken her younger sister bra shopping and was so disgusted at the 'options' available to her sister, that she decided to create her own bra for the preteen and teenage girls who aren't looking to have their cup sizes 'enlarged'...there's enough time for that...trust me. She didn't follow the crowd.

To my Elijah: my one prayer is that you have a voice that others will follow. That others will be drawn to you and you will lead them on the path of righteousness. That you will not succumb to the society's objectification of women; that you would see we are all beautiful in our own right. That you will be a Godly man in this God-less world and you will stand up for the 'weaker' sex.

I pray that you will understand what it really means to be a superhero. That it's not about the glory received, but rather the glory given to our Creator that really matters.

My overwhelming desire in life is that I show you both what it means to stand out from the crowd. To go after what you desire, but all the while, showing kindness and compassion to those around you. To fight for your beliefs and never. give. up. while being a voice of encouragement. The world needs more of that.

My prayer is, in its basest form, that you will recognize the crowd for what it is and remember that God made you to be unique. We aren't all meant to be alike and following along the same path.

I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my babies you'll be...

Love,
Your Momma

Catching Fire, the Real Enemy, and Our Weapons

With the release of 'The Hunger Games: Catching Fire' on disk yesterday, I think it's only fitting to use this movie to illustrate a point.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the book, and now movie, series, Katniss is the main female character and Peeta is the main male character. They were victors in a modern Gladiator-style 'game' in the first move 'The Hunger Games.' In the second movie, 'Catching Fire,' they are sent back to the game or arena, with the other remaining victors to viciously battle it out. One other important character, played by Woody Harrelson, is Haymitch, their mentor. It is his job to help prepare them, physically, mentally, and emotionally, for the battle.

Ok, now that you're mostly up to speed, here's where things get good. In Catching Fire, Haymitch is prepping Katniss for the arena. She is just beside herself that she has to go back, since winning the games has generally bought you a ticket out of future games. In her thinking, she views all of the other contestants as the enemies. She is trying to get herself in the mindset that, in order for her to win again, she will need to kill all of the others.

During one scene, Haymitch tells her, "Katniss, when you're in the arena...you just remember who the enemy is."

See, Haymitch wanted her to remember that the other contestants in the 'game' are forced to be there, just like she is. They don't want to kill any more than she does. They are pawns in the government's game just as she is.

I think that we believers could take a cue from Haymitch to remember who the real enemy is. We need to remember who we are truly fighting against. Recall what Ephesians 6:12 tells us:

     "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

In his commentary, Matthew Henry says that, "The combat is not against ordinary human enemies, not merely against people made up of flesh and blood." See, most people think that the people we encounter during our daily lives or our arena, are 'out to get us' or are being difficult because that's who they are to their core. But that's not the truth. The truth is that they are simply pawns in the enemy's games. He is using them to achieve his purposes.

Matthew Henry goes on to say, "Our enemies fight to prevent our ascent to heaven...because we grapple with spiritual enemies; we also need faith in our Christian work, because we need to draw in supplies of spiritual strength." The devil wants nothing more than to keep you, yes YOU, out of heaven. He wants to see you suffering an eternal damnation, separated from God.

Because we are fighting this battle, we need to have supplies of our spiritual strength. Which is where Paul further goes on to tell us in verses 13-17 to put on the full armor of God so that we can stand our ground. He instructs us to stand firm with the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, feet fitted with readiness that comes from the gospel of peace, and to take up the shield of faith. Finally, he tells us to take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit.

All of these weapons prepare us for the spiritual warfare that is going on around us and within us.

We, as believers, need to remember the words of our Savior Jesus Christ, found in John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

It is not the desire of our loving, heavenly Father that we would perish or that we would fall prey to the enemy. He desires that we would come into a relationship with Him and draw upon His strength, use the weapons we have available to us, and bring others to Him.

Ephesians 6:17 instructs us to, "Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

Fellow believers, lets put on the full armor of God this morning and attack the real enemy and not one another.

Five Minute Friday - Willing

Today's Five Minute Friday topic is willing...so here goes, 5 minutes straight of writing, no questioning, no second guessing, no stopping and reading...

Willing - am I willing to do all of the things I need to do to be effective and good as a person and especially as a mother? Am I willing to be changed and molded into what Jesus has for me?

One thing that sticks out in my mind is the phrase, "Who you are at home is who you are." Well, I can honestly say that I don't like that person from the past few days. Two nights ago, my children were being their creative selves. Elijah was working on his Pinewood Derby car and Emma wanted to paint as well, so I found a little wooden crate for her to paint. 

Now, let me tell you that Emma has expressed an interest in art. Me? Not so much; sure, I can appreciate art, but I am not creatively inclined. So, as she is painting and being creative, she gets excited about some paint brushes I found. After she pulls out the one she wants, she puts the case down...right in the paint...oh BOY was I frustrated!

So, naturally, I expressed my frustration in exasperated sighs...which she saw and heard. And then, when she got up, I noticed a blob of green paint right where she was painting...again, exasperated sighs...which she saw and heard.

Now, fortunately (for me AND her) this was as bad as it got. There was no yelling, no temper tantrums (from the momma)...just exasperated sighs.

I felt God convicting me...so, the following morning, I apologized to her. I apologized for making her feel as though her mistakes were the end of the world. For making her feel as though she's not ALLOWED to make mistakes (never mind the fact that I make about a gazillion of them DAILY - that's another topic for another day). I apologized for stifling her creativity by making her feel that her work space had to be perfect. I even shared with her that it was so easy to wipe up, since the paint was still wet. And even if it hadn't been, it was WATER-BASED PAINT! 

And then I gushed about how incredibly awesome her creation is. I told her that I wanted to start seeds in it...and put it on display for all of the world to see. And I shared with her that I love her creativity and how I wish I had some of it!

Then I began to think about the phrase "Who you are at home is who you are." I don't want to be the one who is so bent on the rules and things being 'just so' that my kids can't express themselves.

So, today, I'm going to be a little more WILLING to bend. A little more WILLING to just let. things. go. A little more WILLING to focus on the relationship and a little less focused on the rules. Because that's who I want to be...at home and in the world. 

What about you? What areas do you feel the Lord calling you to be more willing in? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Five Minute Friday (on Saturday) - Choose

This week's Five Minute Friday writing challenge is on the word 'Choose' so I got to thinking about all of the things I get to choose.

The things I get to choose can be minor, like, I get to choose when I will get out of bed in the morning. I get to choose what I will wear. I get to choose what I will eat for breakfast.

The things I get to choose can also be major, like, I get to choose where we will live. I get to choose what school my children will attend. I get to choose what church we will go to, or even IF we will go to church. I get to choose how to raise my children.

See, all of the things I get to choose will somehow affect another. So, that leads me to question, what are the things I am choosing? Will they benefit another? Or will they tear another down? What are the words I'm choosing? 

We, as women, and especially as mothers, have upwards of a hundred thousand choices per day. Where are the things I'm choosing leading me? Are they leading me for greatness? Are they leading me and my loved ones down a path of destruction?

The bible tells us in Matthew chapter 7 to "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." (v. 13-14).

So, are the things I get to choose leading me down the wide and broad road that leads to destruction? Or do the things I get to choose, those seemingly minor and those major, leading me and my loved ones through the small gate and down the narrow road?